Before I met you, I was disgusted by the concept of modern dating. I was a girl who had long lasting, committed relationships and was never ready to settle for less. I had to admit I even judged the girls who were ready to settle for almost relationships, one night stands or friends with benefits kind of arrangements. I thought these girls didn’t have enough respect for themselves, if they were satisfied with pieces of someone’s love and affection.
And then you came. And you’ve rocked my world.
When I first met you, I’ve immediately experienced a rollercoaster of emotions- something I’ve never felt before. I thought I loved my ex-boyfriends, but you were the first person I couldn’t control myself around.
And at first, I lied to myself that I wasn’t falling in love with you. Even if I were, that would be something temporarily. And I got in this almost relationship with you, expecting and wanting more. And with time passing by, I started craving for that imaginary more. But, that more never came.
Sooner that I could realize, I became everything I always swore I would never became. Suddenly, I became a girl who was led by her passion only and I behaved like I had no reason. I kept lying myself that this passion would fade away, that I was still in control of myself and that those butterflies would die soon enough.
And when I realized that years were passing by and that this wasn’t going to happen, I switched myself to different lies. I’ve started lying to myself that you would change with time. I hoped that my enormous love for you would make you a different man. But, that wasn’t happening either.
It took me more time and introspection than you could ever know to face the harsh reality- that me and you would never be a real couple. If you asked me how I finally accepted it, I wouldn’t know the answer. I guess I simply became too tired of waiting for something that would never happen. And I became too tired of going through the same humiliations and despair over and over again.
So, I finally ended things.
I must admit that I did that because I subconsciously hoped that you would chase me, that you would tell me everything I was hoping to hear all those years. But, you couldn’t do even that.
You let me go without a blink of an eye and even though I hated you for that back then, now I am thankful to you for doing that. When I think of it, this was the only decent thing you’ve ever done for me.
And although I thought that my suffering would finally come to an end the moment I get the courage to walk away from you, the real emotional pain was just starting for me. Now, while you moved on with your life peacefully, I was left all alone to deal with the consequences of this destructive relationship we both took part in.
They say you can’t miss someone you never had completely. I am a living proof that can’t be further from the truth. Our almost relationship didn’t cause me almost pain- the pain I was feeling was more than real and it hurt me more than any other relationship and any other break-up I’ve experienced.
When I come to think of it, the thing that had hurt me the most was the fact I never had you for real. I could never say: “This man is mine”.
We were always in an on and off relationship, halfway between the real relationship and a casual fling. And I never knew where I was standing with you.
This type of relationship was toxic for me, because I kept hoping to have a committed, stable relationship with you. But, for you, it was the best thing ever- you were someone who wanted a girl by his side, but you also wanted to live a single life without any responsibilities a real relationship brings.
So, you chose me to be your safety net. You left me constantly waiting for you to come to your senses and finally choose me to be your forever person.
Of course, you never told me the of us won’t be together. You made sure you were giving me just enough hope, so I wouldn’t walk away. And silly me thought you actually loved me. What I didn’t realize was that you kept me around just because I was suitable for you. You never loved me- I know that know- I was just good for your ego. And it all makes sense to me when I look at things from this perspective- who wouldn’t like having someone who is always there for him and who doesn’t ask for anything in return?
You were the centre of my universe. While you never spent a second thinking of me, I spent more sleepless night dreaming of you wide awake than I could ever count. And I spent all of those years, hoping you would feel the same way about me.
Maybe you did care for me, for a moment. I still think I meant something for you. But, I was never enough for you to completely love me
But, what I am sure in is that our almost relationship has hurt me more than anything else.
It may sound silly to you, but it hurt me more than us having a real relationship hurt me. Because with you, I never knew what was possible- I never knew what I really missed out on. I never saw you without my pink sunglasses on- for me, you were always perfect. I can’t say I didn’t get to know you, but I definitely didn’t have the chance to know all of your imperfections and flaws. You were always so unreachable to me, that I could never see you as a mortal, as a human being.
What hurt me the most was that you were deceiving me. You never told me straight ahead that we weren’t on the same page. Instead, you kept giving me hope, because you didn’t want me to leave your side. I confronted you many times about our situation, but you kept giving me excuses. You kept telling me that you needed more time and that you weren’t ready just yet. You kept telling me you would hurt me if we were in a relationship and that I meant too much for you to do that.
But, by doing the things you did to me, you’ve hurt me even more.
Of course, I wanted to believe you. Deep down, I knew you could never love me the way I deserved to be loved. But, I kept making excuses for you. I thought the timing wasn’t right or that you were hurt in the past, so you must have been afraid of giving yourself completely to me. I thought of you as this little, lost boy who needed me to save him.
But, now, I know you were just an immature coward. You never had the guts to tell me that you could never love me. Instead, you left me wandering through circles of uncertainty. And you didn’t wonder how that was making me feel even for a second.
Even now, after I’ve walked away, I still spend catch myself thinking what could have been between us. What if we could have been true love?