Heartbreak Love

I Refuse To Change Myself In Order To Satisfy You

change myself
Written by Naida

When people get hurt, they need to spend some time thinking about where it went wrong and whose fault it was. After a while you can get to the point that actually the only person who matters is you. There is no one who needs to like you and you don’t have to prove yourself for others. I was someone who satisfies everyone around me, without thinking of my needs. The same is when I talk about love.

When I fall in love, that is kind of terrible. I fall so deeply and so quickly that it is hard to save me from my own feelings. There is no time for myself and I am guilty for that. As I am used to, I put my boyfriend’s needs and demands as a priority, and I could not help myself. I don’t think too much, I just give everything that I have without asking for anything in return. No one could save me and I don’t want to be saved. And as it is always the case, the more I was trying to give you, the more you wanted. There is hardly chance to satisfy you. So I was alone for so many nights, crying in my room and trying to find out the answer why you couldn’t love me. I wanted you to love me like other people do in my life, but there is no chance that would happen. It was all my fault, I thought.

Believe me that I even made an effort to save our already broken relationship. However, it was in vain. There is no effort that could save us, nothing is enough for you. You never thanked me for trying to keep what is good. You were so negative and now I know that you didn’t love me enough. But I was calm, waiting for you to figure out that we are something, and to come back to me. Suddenly that didn’t happen. I never had a chance to be a woman you love and respect and whose value you find important. I lost my passion and I never felt less desirable than when I was with you.

You were that one guy that many girls were terrified of. You were able to destroy the love I begged for and hoped to have for so long. It was like I was nothing, like my value didn’t exist. However, I still thought that it was my fault somehow and I tried to find out why I was not enough. Why did you want to transform me in someone I am not? Why were you dispassionate? Then I faced with the fact that you and I have completely different lives. I have so many friends who truly love me, while you don’t have them at all. You were unhappy about most of the things that were happening in your life. But you never blamed yourself. When I came into your life, it became so easy to blame someone daily for everything. I allowed you to. And you never accepted my way of thinking, my ideas or anything I suggested, but we always did everything the way you wanted.

As much as I was fighting and trying to assure you that my ideas were not that bad, the more you disliked me. Whatever I did without your permission, you hated me even more. I was supposed to be a woman who would be there in every decision that you made. I denied you, and it made you very angry. Everyone would tell me to refuse to change in order to satisfy you. It took me a long time to realize that I don’t have to change myself for you. If you ever loved me, you would never request changes. People don’t change that easyily. What I want to say is that not everyone deserves a person who will gladly change oneself for someone.

If we had a love story, let me tell you that the love wasn’t big enough to shape me into someone you wanted. That would have meant that I am losing myself in order to satisfy you. If I want to change, I would, but I hope that you know that it is my decision. It took me some time to get the point, so now I know that I don’t need someone like you. I could be perfectly happy on my own. And you, God you were so stubborn. You will never realize what the benefit of true and powerful love is. I needed to let you go because I couldn’t recognize you anymore. When you left, I could breathe again. I felt like I could be the same old happy and cheerful woman. There wasn’t a future for us, so I have left you in the past. One thing I am sure of. The right decision is made. I turned the page and begin once again.

I know now how strong I am, so why do I need anyone who wants to change me? I need a real man who has guts to accept all my advantages just like my flaws. The one who is good with accepting the whole person.

 

About the author

Naida

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