Heartbreak Love Relationships

This Is The Goodbye Conversation I Never Had With You

Written by Deborah Carbone

You don’t know how much I love you. I love you head to toe. I love your beautiful brain just as much as I love your sexy body. I love your forgiving, kind heart. I love you in a way that I don’t understand because I never felt for someone the way I feel for you. I love the person you are today. I respect your journey and the sacrifice you made to be where you are today. I am grateful for your strength, dedication and hard work. I couldn’t be prouder of you than I am. You heal my broken pieces; my broken heart, my broken faith, my broken perception. You love the parts of me that I don’t admire, the parts of me that I keep stored for special occasions. You see me for who I am, you get me, you know me. You understand my complexities; my heart that loves too much, my mind that overthinks, my body that’s impulsive, my spirit that’s wild and free af. You make me one lucky human.

I come from a place where everyone I love leaves. I come from a place where I’m always the one who loves more, cares more, tries more. I come from a place where happiness is a fantasy. I come from a place that I escape on a daily basis, a place that I place behind me every single day. And a love like your love terrifies me. It terrifies me because it brings my insecurities and fears back to life, it makes them my reality all over again. I’m scared to lose you like I lose all the people I loved. I’m scared that you’ll damage me like many people did. I’m scared to be happy because every time I’m happy, something bad happens.

I know you love me. I know you care. I know you feel it like I do. I know you’re dying on the inside just like I am. And I know that deep down, you wish things were different. I can’t wait for the right timing for us to be together anymore, I want it right now. I can’t be the bigger person all the time, I need to be selfish for me because I matter too. I can’t calm my heart so yours doesn’t feel overwhelmed and I can’t slow down my life so you can catch-up anymore. I realized that if you want us, you’ll make it happen because when there’s a will, there’s a way.

I realized that love is not this hard, it’s not this painful, it’s not this complicated. I realized that love is more happy than sad, more excited than disappointed, more trusting than skeptical, more brave than scared.  

Darling, I realized that I need someone to be my more than good enough. I need someone to be my guardian angel. I need someone to be my knight in the shining armor. I need someone who makes me more of who I am not less. I need someone who ignites my fire. I need someone who adds more magic to my sky. I need someone to be for me, all the things I am for everyone else.

I’m going to mourn you because you’re a part of me, the piece of me I never thought I needed. But, I know now that there’s more than just that piece that I need, there’s more than just that piece that I deserve.

This Is The Goodbye Conversation I Never Had With You