Many times when I was with you, I felt like I was stupid. My expectations were huge about me and you and our relationship. I made one huge mistake that I really regret today. I believed and truly wanted you to change. Also, I was assured that you were going to change in a better way. That means that you will become mature man. So, I waited, I was patient like no one would be. Growing up would come together with your love, and let me tell you that I wanted to wait forever. The only thing I wanted was a huge amount of love and I knew I deserved it.
But the thing ended completely differently, and I am now so happy for knowing how to make a distinction between the healthy relationship and toxic relationship that I lived in with you. People usually tell us that love can be both beautiful and easy or tough and complicated. Our relationship was nothing like easy. I forgot how it is to be in a normal relationship. How it is when you have partner who makes you very happy and loves you the way you deserve. You made me never think about easiness in love at all. I have that strange kind of feeling that I would not know how to behave if someone wants to make me happy. So now, I am not sure if I could be able to accept happiness, and I blame you for that.
I didn’t realize back then, but I realize now that it is all your guilt. You were making me the person who is hard to love. It wasn’t fair, but you were the only one who kept telling me that I was asking for too much. You were trying to assure me that I am too demanding and that I don’t give anything in return, after you give me some love or after you make some effort.
However, I realized that you only tried to protect yourself and all those methods you used for that were so childish. You didn’t make an effort at all. You went the easiest path, and in order to not fail, you didn’t fight for us. So, you taught me that love is very important and valuable, but not everyone deserves love. I can recognize those people who are worthy now, but I couldn’t recognize them when I was with you.
It was you who taught me not to be selfish when someone gives you love or makes you happy. Once I was that person who loved to make other people happy. Also, I loved making others feel satisfied with that amount of love that I am offering to them. It fulfilled me, and I was never afraid of that. Love is supposed to be so beautiful and easy, so I never considered it as hard or difficult. Your insecurities affected our relationship in a bad way. You changed me in a way I never wanted to change, and during the process of changing I was not aware at all. It is because I trusted you. I trusted that you are the one who can never wreck me, but I was wrong. Even though people think that they know their partners, many times it turns out that they are wrong.
However, people like me don’t like to waste their precious time by being in a bad relationship with partners who are not able to give love or to make an effort. As much as they are interested in playing games with you, you on the other side are someone who seriously avoids those games. There is not supposed to be insecurities in a relationship, but only that great feeling of fulfillment and joy.
As time passed by, I started dating again and my hopes are great. I have self-respect, and I know for sure that I am not difficult to love. Moreover, it is not hard at all. Now I don’t feel guilt for what I say or do, and, in fact, I don’t weigh everything like I used to when I was with you. There is no pressure and I never felt this free. I realize that there was not problem in me. It is about you, and it has always been. Once you have lived through the worst, there is nothing that can stop you from doing whatever the hell you feel you should do.