You’ve hurt me more than you could ever imagine. When you left me, I felt like I didn’t have a purpose in life anymore.
But what hurt me more than the fact you left me was the way you did it. You knew that I trusted you more than anyone else. And I am sure you still remember that I always asked you not to violate that trust. But you did exactly that anyhow.
I didn’t see you only as my boyfriend. You were my friend and my family member. I would forgive you for the fact that you’ve stopped loving me. Actually, there is nothing to forgive about that. You couldn’t force yourself into loving anyone. But what I couldn’t forgive you for is the fact that you betrayed me as a friend and as a person. The way you left me and the way you behaved after our relationship showed me that you didn’t appreciate me as a person nor did you consider our relationship to be anything worthy. And I think I’ll never be able to forgive you for that.
It took me a long time before I could continue with my life, even partially. It took me more energy, patience, self-reflection, and self-love than I am ready to admit. But they say time heals all wounds. With time, I’ve started eating and sleeping again. And after a while, one day, I caught myself smiling again. I know all of this seems foolish to you, but those were great accomplishments for me. I took baby steps, and these things gave me hope that there will come a day in which I would be able to breath properly again. And somehow, with time, I’ve started living my life day by day. Actually, somehow, I’ve started functioning again.
With time, I stopped hating you and blaming you for everything that has happened. I stopped blaming myself as well. Things happened the way they did and I started perceiving everything as a part of life.
But I have never truly and completely gotten over you.
Now, you’ve called me, saying you want to get together. At first, I thought you sensed that I’ve moved on and that you were afraid. But as I thought it through, I realized the reason why you called. Let me get this straight—I don’t think you want to get back together. You’ve made that very clear. You want us to try and be friends again. You said you don’t love me romantically, but that you miss me as a friend—you said you still loved me as a person and that you probably will forever.
But I think that your conscience has actually started haunting you. You know you did me wrong, although you can’t imagine how much harm you have actually caused me. And you want to hear that I’ve forgiven you. You want me to relieve you of your guilt. You think that if I say I have moved on, you will be free, you will be liberated, as if nothing has happened.
I won’t say I am not glad you are here to apologize, after all this time. But your apology or my forgiveness cannot magically erase everything that you’ve done to me. They can’t erase my deep emotional wounds that you have caused.
And I will be honest and tell you that I am not ready to see you. I don’t know if I ever will be actually.
I am afraid. I am terrified that all my emotional progress will be in vain the moment I see you. I am going to sit across the table and watch you smile and talk, and I will have the urge to touch you, to kiss you. You will look at me and I will drown in your eyes. And no matter how much I try, I won’t be able to fake my indifference towards you.
And then you’ll leave. And I’ll be at square one again. Don’t think I am overreacting—for me, it only takes one glance at you for all those emotions I fought so hard to bury deep inside of me to wake up.
So, it is not that I hate you nor is it that I don’t want to see you—I am not able to. And I don’t know if I ever will be.
I hope you understand, the same way I hope I will understand you and everything you did someday.