Family Love Relationships

A Promise To You My Soldier…

my soldier
Written by Nela Baricevic

“A soldier doesn’t fight because he hates what is in front of him. A soldier fights because he loves what he left behind.” – unknown

My darling,

I know you can’t promise me a life full of some kind of empty happiness, 50 shades of red and pink, each day like a dream. I know I can’t count that you’ll be next to me each time I need you. You can’t promise you’ll hold my hand when life gets hard and my soul gets sick. You won’t be next to me to tell me, “Stop crying ’cause I love you” when I’m scared by life, when I must make up my mind and decide which way I’ll go.

I know you won’t be there to help me organize and celebrate our baby’s birthday. I know I’ll feel empty inside. But at the same time, I know I’ll be proud because we made it. We created a completely new life. I’ll be proud for both of us here, and I’m sure you’ll be proud for both of us on the other side of the world.

You, my soldier, can’t even promise me we’ll share our bed every night until the end of our time. You can’t even promise me you’ll be there through every difficult moment. Through every challenge. Many times I’ll be sitting alone in the house that we’ll be calling our home, and by listening to our love song I’ll find myself all alone.

You will lie to me. But I’ll lie to you too.

You will tell me you don’t know when you will get back because you will try to hide that it will be too late for us to celebrate our anniversary. I will tell you I don’t mind it. I will tell you it doesn’t matter while the truth is, it does. It still does matter.

You will leave me in tears when I will need you the most.

You will go because you will have to. You will need to go when I will need you to calm me down, to wipe the tears from my cheeks, to pull me into your loving arms and erase the sadness from my soul. I will need to calm myself all alone. I will need to learn to be on my own.

You will leave our baby too. You will leave her when she’ll need you the most.

I know it will break my heart when I will see her sad because of you leaving her. Once again, she will be losing her dad. You will pack your things and leave. I will pack my tears so I can try to explain to her why daddy always has to go.

But…

you will carry me with you

each step you take,

I know, my love.

I can’t promise I will understand why you do all that you do. I can’t promise I won’t cry to you on the phone. I can’t even promise that I won’t blame you for escaping the life we have created together. I can’t promise I won’t be mad. That I won’t be scared. That I won’t get down on my knees and cry like a baby. I can’t promise I’ll be both, mom and dad, each time you’ll go.

But there is one thing I can and I will promise to you – I will always be your biggest supporter, and I will always love you from the deepest, the purest part of my heart. And, at the end of the day, I will forgive you. I will trust you. Still, I will adore you.

Always?

Always.

 

About the author

Nela Baricevic

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