When I first met you, I simply couldn’t believe that I was falling in love with you so fast. And it was something I couldn’t control, no matter how hard I tried.
I was always someone who was a skeptic when it came to love and never thought I can allow myself to give myself entirely to someone. I had previous relationships, and I can’t say I never loved a man before you, but I always fought hard to preserve a piece of me for myself only. When I see it from this perspective, I only thought I loved those men that were a part of my life before you. Because they were only that—a part of my life. But you weren’t ready to settle for that—you wanted to become my entire life and you knew how to accomplish that.
You were patient. You did everything you could to win my trust and to win me over. I admit I was a pain in the ass in the beginning. It’s not that I was playing hard to get—I didn’t trust you because I was afraid. Actually, I didn’t trust myself around you. I was drawn to you like to a magnetic field, and I knew I couldn’t control myself when I was around you. Before I met you, I was a person who didn’t let emotions take over her reason. I wasn’t cold, but I always thought things through before I did them. But as soon as I laid my eyes on you, everything changed. You’ve rocked my world, even though at first I didn’t want to admit it.
We were different, and from the start, deep down, I knew we couldn’t make it. But I just couldn’t help myself. I couldn’t control my body or my mind. All I could do was let myself go to you and go with the flow. For the first time in my life, I allowed myself to be reckless. And it cost me a lot.
I tried to resist your charm, but after some time, I saw that there was no use. I fell for you, even if I hated to admit it. And I gave myself entirely to you. I was consumed by you. I felt like I wasn’t myself and I liked it. For the first time ever, I wasn’t in control of everything around me, and as much as I confronted that, I actually enjoyed it. For the first time, I started trusting another person so much. All of that time, I had this voice in my head that kept telling me I would end up hurt, but I ignored it. I let my heart and my passions lead me.
Although I tried to fight it, loving you was one of the best sensations I have ever felt. I loved you with my entire being, with all of my senses. And despite everything that has happened with us afterwards, I don’t regret it for a moment. When I was with you, I felt more alive than ever before. And more than ever after. You were the only person who managed changing the essence of my being, the only man who succeeded in breaking all of my emotional walls. You became my strength and my weakness. And although sometimes I hated you for making me weak and for changing me, I was also grateful. For the first time, I felt like I was seeing the world with all of its beauties. I felt the spectrum of emotions that I wasn’t even aware existed.
But as soon as you felt you had me completely, you backed out. It was like you accomplished your goal. Apparently, I was only a challenge to you. You weren’t like all the others. You didn’t change after you had me sexually—you needed to know you had me emotionally, physically, and completely. It was a satisfaction for you—knowing you managed to conquer someone who was so unbreakable. And as soon as you accomplished that, you suddenly lost interest. As soon as you felt that I loved you, that you had me, you moved on to your next victim. I thought I was special to you, but actually, I was only one in a row.
And it crushed me more than you could imagine. Suddenly, all of my love just wasn’t enough for you. You left and never looked back, like I was never a part of your life. And my life lost its sense. Yes, it was my fault that I allowed for you to complete me, it was my fault because I allowed to lose myself into you. But you didn’t have to be so insensitive either.
I still can’t reconcile with the fact that I meant nothing to you, when you meant everything to me. There were times when you made me feel so unique and special—I felt like I was the only woman in the world. But, at other times, you made me feel like I had no significance to you whatsoever. And when I wasn’t important to you, I wasn’t important to myself either. You were like air to me, and the moment you realized that, you left me.
I just wanted you to stay. I never asked for anything else. Maybe I am a masochist, but I wanted you to stay, no matter how badly you started treating me. I think I could endure all of life’s difficulties and everything you would probably put me through just to have you around. Your presence was more than enough for me. But you couldn’t do even that.
I still can’t accept the fact that you left and I don’t know if I will be able to. I wake up every morning, expecting to see that you’ve called me. I hope somebody will tell me everything was just a dream and that you are still lying next to me, as if nothing had happened.
And I think that this hope is killing me more than the fact that you left me. I die a little after each day in which you didn’t come back. I play our relationship back in my head constantly. I wonder if I could have anything differently, if I could have made you stay. I wonder why I wasn’t good enough for you. Was I too hard to deal with? Was I too demanding? Why didn’t you love me enough?
All I know is that I loved you more than I could ever imagine myself loving another human being. And that I will keep hoping you’ll come back. Because, despite the fact that hope is slowly killing me and doesn’t allow me to keep on with my life, it’s also the only thing keeping me alive. When I give up on that hope, I’ll give up on myself.
Everyone is telling me that I just need time. But I know you’ll be a part of me forever. Other men may come, but nobody could ever replace you.
When I come to think about it, maybe I don’t even want to get over you. Maybe I am not ready to move on and to let you go. Because I hope that I will be in your mind, as long as I hold on to you.