To the man who broke me into pieces;
You know, I’ve never been much of a writer. I’ve always been more the type of girl who liked to express her emotions through action. The same was when it came to my relationship with you. Yes, I’ve been telling you how much I loved you, but I preferred showing it to you.
I felt like I was on the top of the world every time I succeeded in making you smile. Making you happy and being a cause of that happiness was my only purpose in life. You were my reason to live. And I used every possible opportunity to show you how much you meant to me. I wanted you to feel loved and wanted at all times.
Although I wasn’t a big fan of words or letters, since you left, words are all I have left. I found sanctuary in them and they keep me company. At first, I wrote to you every single day. Actually, when I think about it, I wrote to myself. I’ve never sent you any of those letters. But, they were making me feel better. The paper had to put up with everything I had the need to say to you. I didn’t write those letters because of you, I wrote them because of me—because it was the only way I could feel any better, the only thing that helped me relieve the enormous amount of emotional pain I was feeling.
It takes a lot of courage to admit that someone managed to break you. And you did break me into pieces. I gave my entire being to you. And when you give yourself entirely to someone else, you give that person a power to break you completely. I didn’t hold back any piece of myself from you, and therefore, when you broke me, there was no piece of me left complete.
The hardest thing for me was that there was no real goodbye between us. You just chose to leave and I had no say in that. You made that choice for both of us. You never gave me a chance to try to keep you in my life, you never gave me the chance to fight for us. And you just gave up on everything we had. You gave up on us and never looked back.
I don’t know if our relationship was special to me only and the way you left made me wonder if you have ever loved me. It made me question whether I was ever important to you in the same way you were to me. You know you were my everything. And everything I did, I did it for you.
Maybe that was my biggest mistake. You saw you could have me anytime you like and despite everything you do. I became too submissive and obedient. And you didn’t fall in love with such a girl. You fell in love with a girl who was ready to do whatever it takes to stand up for herself. I was someone who was passionate and fierce about everything in life. But, somehow, you managed to kill that quality of mine. You were putting me down for so long that I’ve lost all of my self-confidence. I became afraid that you would leave me if I stood up to you, if I had the nerve to confront you or to disagree with you. So, I kept myself quite. I became one of those girls I hated—I was only nodding my head to everything you said or did and supported every call you made.
But that wasn’t the real me. It took me a lot of time to figure out that you didn’t actually like the person I’ve become. Yes, I was excellent for your ego and you felt more of a man around me than before. But those weren’t the things that made you fall for me. All of a sudden, I couldn’t light up a fire in your eyes. I couldn’t wake up the passion inside you the way I could in the past.
In the beginning, you were always complaining about my bad temper. And when I became the calm type, when I shut down all the passion in me, you didn’t like that either. I became everything you wanted, what else could I possibly do?
During our relationship, I’ve lost myself—I know that now. I was so eager to please you that I completely forgot about my needs and desires. I became weak. And that made it easier for you to break me.
I’ve had many dreams and hopes and plans when it came to you and us. And you’ve accomplished to shatter those dreams. And in the same time, you’ve shattered my heart. It was a big and loving heart, so it must have cost you a lot of effort to manage to break it, but finally you did.
In the beginning, each new day was a new victory for me. I was like an addict, because you were my drug and I couldn’t even think of being without you. I had the physical need for your presence. I thought I wouldn’t make it and that I would never recover. Every breath I took was a challenge for me. I cried myself to sleep for months. I just couldn’t function properly without you by my side. I felt like a part of my body was missing, I just didn’t know what to do and how to live my life without you. I didn’t know who I was anymore, because my only role in life was that of your girlfriend.
I realized I became emotionally disabled and that I need to put myself through some kind of rehabilitation. Of course, my recovery couldn’t happen overnight, but a tiny glance of hope for my salvation has woken up inside of me. And I grabbed it. Whenever I felt down, I held on to that hope because I knew it was the only thing keeping me sane.
As time was passing by, I healed to some point. I think I fought for me out of spite. Out of spite to you and to myself. I wanted to prove to you that you can break me but that I am still stronger than you, even when I am broken. I wanted for you to know that I will manage to put myself together, even without you around. And I wanted to prove some things to myself as well. I wanted to bring my old self back to life and to prove to her that she is very much still alive. Maybe these were not the healthiest motifs to start with, but they helped me and that it’s all that matters.
My journey of recovery has just started. I know I have a very long way to go, but as long as I have hope for a better tomorrow and as long as I believe in myself, I am not scared.
I want you to know that you did break me emotionally, but you didn’t break my spirit. I don’t want bad things for you in life. I forgive you, not because of you, but because of myself—because I know that is the only way to my salvation. I sincerely hope we both find our love and happiness.