There doesn’t exist a woman active in a dating world who hasn’t been on a bad date or who hasn’t had an unfulfilling relationship. And that is perfectly normal. But, something completely else are the women who never pick up warning signs or red flags bad men send to them and continue dating them until they hurt them badly. Besides, they appear to be a magnet for wrong guys and wrong relationships. It’s like they never learn a valuable lesson out of their bad relationships and they keep repeating the same mistakes over and over again.
I hate to admit it, but I am one of the women from the second group.
When I come to think about my life so far, I’ve changed many things about it during the years. But the only thing that seems to be constant about me is my choice of men. No matter what I do and how I live my life, somehow I keep attracting the wrong guys.
When you look at these guys, they don’t all appear the same to you. They look differently and seem to have different characteristics and qualities. They have different habits, different hobbies, different life experiences, different education, different past, and even different personality traits. But, what they all have in common is that they are wrong.
Some of them were toxic for themselves and everyone around them, including me. Some of them were selfish and narcissistic and didn’t care about anything else besides their own well-being. Some of them were emotionally manipulative and all they did was look for a suitable victim to emotionally use and abuse. Some of them were simply emotionally unavailable, for different reasons. Some of them maybe weren’t wrong in general—but all of them were wrong with me and for me. The bottom line is that none of them were compatible with me and none of them gave me the relationship I’ve hoped of getting.
In the beginning, I blamed only them for everything. I knew I was giving myself completely to each of them and I didn’t get anything in return, so the problem couldn’t have been in me. I knew all I did was give them my full and unconditional love and support. And none of them knew how to appreciate it. All of them only saw me as a tool of getting what they wanted and not one put the slightest effort to make our relationship work.
Then, after a lot of introspective and self-reflection, I’ve realized I must be to blame as well. We all are responsible for our lives and it can’t be that all of these wrong guys just came to me out of the blue. I must possess some quality that makes me constantly attract them.
Maybe I am too afraid of being alone and they smell that fear. I know that fear of solitude should never be an excuse to be with someone, but unfortunately, it was often the only thing that drove me to some men. I thought it’s better to have someone rather than being alone. At some points in my life, I was desperate for love and affection and I didn’t choose the source I was getting it from, as long as I was getting it. Of course, I was never receiving true love and affection every woman deserves—I was just getting pieces and crumbs of it, which were just enough to keep me around as long as they needed me. And although I wasn’t aware of this need and of my fear, others saw it. Men sensed my desperation and knew that I was a girl that can easily be subjected to their manipulation and emotional abuse. Therefore, they saw me as a suitable victim and that is why they picked me from all other girls.
Maybe I thought I was some kind of super woman. I was subconsciously looking for emotionally damaged men, because I thought I was just the person they needed to get their life back on track. I am someone who doesn’t give up on people who are important to me, and I assumed that these men were hurt in the past by some evil women and that is the reason why they’ve lost their faith in love. I thought they were just hiding their true selves under the masks of tough guys. So I did my best to heal them. I thought the only thing they needed was compassion and patience after which they would be sensitive and caring men. But I was wrong. Most of them only shared their negativity with me. It took me a while to understand that some people simply don’t want to be fixed and there is nothing you can do about it. The only thing you can accomplish is becoming just like them, without anyone around to help you fix yourself.
Another thing that caused me a lot of emotional pain is the fact I am a creature of habit. Even when I am aware that a relationship simply doesn’t work anymore, I will probably stay in it, because I would rather be with someone who is causing me pain, but who I am familiar with, than to look for someone new, who I can’t know what to expect from. I would rather be with an old enemy than with a new friend, because I know this old enemy and know how he can behave. Another thing related to this notion of mine is the fact that I always search for the same types of guys, although they seem different at first. It took me a lot of time to realize why this is, but finally I’ve reached a conclusion. It’s actually pretty simple—these men represent a familiar and comfortable pattern for me and that is why I can’t get rid of them.
When I come to think of it, maybe I am the same as they are. Maybe I am the one afraid of true commitment and I am showing that by choosing these guys who will not be able to provide it for me, so I can blame them instead of me. Maybe I have commitment issues that I am not aware of and I am only projecting those issues to men around me. Maybe I am just looking for the men similar to me, and they attract me because they display behavior similar to mine. Maybe I hope I will save myself, if I manage to save them.
The fact is that we all accept the things and the people we think we deserve. Is it possible that I think I am good for nothing and that I don’t even try to attract the right guys, because I think they wouldn’t even think of laying their eyes on me? Is it possible that I am not aware of my worth? Is it possible I allow men to treat me the way they do because I feel that is the best thing I deserve? Is it possible that healthy love is not what I am actually looking for, because I don’t love myself enough?
It took me a lot of self-consciousness to realize all of these things, but eventually, I didn’t come to a unique conclusion. I still don’t know why I keep attracting the wrong guys. All I know is it will take me a lot of time and energy to change it.