I have let myself wait for others far too many times. I justified it by telling myself that it will be worth it once they are ready and once they realize that I have been there for them through thick and thin.
While waiting for that special day when they would open their eyes and realize I was in front of them all this time, I put my life on hold. I put off living it the way it should be lived, trying to please and love people who didn’t care. People who never appreciated what I had to give.
Because of it, I was left hurt and lonely, my heart broken, way too many times. But everything comes to an end. And so did my days of being foolish. I learned my lessons, even if it took time. I guess better late than never.
One of the things I learned was not to have high expectations from people just because they can expect much from me. Me being ready to do so much for them, because I held them somewhere up high, doesn’t mean they will reciprocate. Actually, they most likely will not acknowledge it at all. So I promised myself to stop foolishly acting on my feelings. I promised I would stop giving to those who just take without giving back, without actually being worth it in the first place.
I promised myself I will not be giving power over my life to other people. Not ever again. And after everything I ‘ve been through, and things I should have learned from past mistakes, putting my life on hold once again, this time for you, would be giving up control over my life after I said I wouldn’t. So, I’m not going to put my life on hold for you.
I am not willing to step on myself like that. I am not willing to put what I want out of life on hold until you find out what is it that you want out of it. And I can feel that you don’t know it yet. And you might never figure it out. I will not waste my precious time on a man that doesn’t know if he wants me or not.
If you’re unsure about wanting to be with me, I am completely sure I don’t want to be with you. Not now, not ever. And staying around, waiting, until you have made up your mind is not an option.
I’d rather spend my life living it the way I imagine it, even if it means alone, than ever losing another day to the undeserving people. But I know I am not meant to be alone. I know I am destined to have someone by my side. And I will not let that someone slip just because I allowed myself to wait for you for too long.
I will not let a man that would honestly love me slip away because I spent my days aching for you, and my nights wondering if you’re going to come around. Staring at the ceiling, wondering if you’re thinking about me at all. And I sure as hell don’t want to be waiting around, all alone, while you’re living like I don’t exist. While you give your time to someone else, and I’m saving all of mine for you.
You can’t even imagine how hard this is for me. I care about you. But I respect myself more. And waiting for you wouldn’t be loving you. It would be stepping on myself to keep you.
Knowing I’ve stuck up for myself makes it a little easier to endure, a little less painful. It makes it easier to move on with my life, even after knowing you’re out there giving someone else what should be mine. So, if you ever figure out who you want, it will be good, but you better know it before I decide I am done being on my own and I am ready for someone to appreciate me. You can’t expect me to choose you over that someone once you show up, when you took so long to choose me in the first place.
But if not, there will be no pain, because I wasn’t waiting for you anyway. No expectations means no pain.