2017 was tough for me emotionally. Actually, tough is a small word for the things I’ve been through. It was devastating.
It brought me more emotional pain than I could have ever imagined I could endure. There were days I thought I couldn’t take it anymore. There were moments I thought I was losing my mind, I was literally going crazy.
For the first time in life, I realized why they call this a heartbreak. You may not believe it, but sometimes emotional pain can cause you extreme physical pain as well. And that was exactly what I felt. For moments, I felt like my entire body was tearing apart. I felt like I was dying from inside.
In 2017, I had more sleepless nights than I could ever count. You may think I am exaggerating, but I think I’ve cried an ocean of tears. And for what? For who? For love. Or for what I thought was love. And for a man who didn’t know how to appreciate me and everything I gave him.
After a lot of thought, I came to the conclusion that all of this happened because I had the wrong perception of love all of this time. And I’ve finally realized it. I thought that love has to look like this, and that it has to be painful. I still know that relationships take a lot of time and effort, but you don’t need to sacrifice your entire being just so the other person can be happy. If you have to, it’s everything but love. It took me a lot of pain and tears but I’ve finally learned that. True love should be about mutual understanding and support. It’s a two way street and if you are the only one putting an effort to make it work, you are not in a partnership—you are more alone than you would have been if you were single.
And most importantly, love is all about unconditional support. But, in order for a relationship to be healthy, that support has to be mutual. If you are in a committed relationship, both of the partners have to be there for each other through thick and thin. You need to know that you have your partner’s support, no matter how hard things become.
This was the idea that guided me through all of my relationships. I never held anything back and I gave myself completely to men around me, expecting that they will match my effort when the time comes. But none of them ever did. They took everything they could from me, and as soon as they got back on their feet, they left me. As soon as I needed them to be there for me, they backed out. Suddenly, everything was more important than me and my issues. Don’t get me wrong—I’ve never wanted for someone to be with me out of gratitude and pity, but I think I deserved the slightest compassion, if nothing else.
Instead, all I got was lies and false promises. I got a man who did everything in his power to keep me around while he needed me. I was the best thing that could have happened to him, while he was in a bad place in his life. I hoped that we would live our lives in peace as soon as he got back on track. But I was played like a fool. He only used me emotionally and it took me too long to realize it. Don’t get me wrong, he gave me some pieces of himself. While I thought he just needed time to open up to someone and to let me in completely, he was actually giving me just enough so I wouldn’t leave him hanging. Everything was a part of his emotional manipulation and I was nothing special for him—I was just a suitable victim for his abuse.
And while I’ve managed to help him get his life back together, he didn’t care how all of it affected me. He left me broken in pieces. He let me fall for him, without having the intention to catch me. Now, I am only the shadow of the person I used to be. While rescuing him, I’ve managed to lose and break myself.
So, I hope that 2018 will bring me love. Not an ordinary, modern type of love. But a committed, once in a lifetime, unconditional, supportive, compassionate love. I don’t need to feel butterflies and excitement. I don’t want an emotional rollercoaster anymore—I’ve had enough of those. I need someone to have a calm life with.
I just want someone I know I can always count on. I want someone who will match my effort. I want someone who will be there for me, the same way I will have his back. I want someone who will know that love is not just about receiving—it’s also about giving.
I don’t need a man who will walk away from me on the first glance of trouble. Don’t think I expect a fairytale or a relationship without conflict. I just want something real.
Someone who will think I am more than enough. Someone who will not be frightened by the broken pieces of my soul. Someone who will end this curse of people who are constantly letting me down and disappointing me.
Someone who will fight for me and who will try to make our relationship work. Someone who will consider me worth fighting for. Someone who will care deeply about me.
I want someone who will do his best not to hurt me. I want someone who will consider my happiness important. Who will know what true love really is all about.
Someone who is honest at all times. Someone who will be straight about his intentions towards me and who will not lie just so he can get what he wants from me. Someone who will make his promises and really mean the things he’s saying.
I want a fully committed relationship. I don’t want something only physical—I want something deep and meaningful.
I want someone who will love me so much that he will make me feel worthy of love again.
You may think that I am being unrealistic and that all of this can hardly be found in only one man. But I know that he is out there. All of the heartbreaks and disappointments I’ve been through killed me in a way, but they didn’t manage to kill one thing in me and that is my optimism and hope. After all, we all perceive the world through ourselves and if I am ready to do all of this for a man I love, nobody can tell me that there doesn’t exist my male equivalent somewhere.
I don’t think I am asking for much from life. I don’t think I am asking for anything extraordinary and unachievable. I am only asking something I know I deserve.
Although the past year was painful for me, it also taught me a lot. It helped me realize how strong and brave I actually am. It showed me I can take much more than I thought. And, most importantly, it helped me learn the importance of true love. All I ask for in 2018 is love that stays.