Tired doesn’t even begin to describe it, really. This exhaustion I feel in my bones, my body, my heart and soul, but mostly in my head, is impossible to describe. I am sick of having to be strong. I am sick of pretending nothing is wrong. I can’t keep pretending anymore that my life isn’t in pieces when everyone thinks I have it all figured out.
I don’t even know how it happened. I always had the feeling I am not capable of doing anything on my own. I never thought I would be seen as strong or self-sufficient. But somehow, I became exactly that. And suddenly, after turning around and seeing what I pushed through and still stood on my feet, I realized I really am strong.
But everything has its limits. And I have hit mine. I was holding on for so long. While I kept trying to survive, new blows just kept coming my way. Whipping me and throwing me around, taking everything away from me. My friends, the love of my life, even my life the way I knew it. I had to start all over. And I had to be stronger than ever, but on my own.
Now, it has come to the point where I feel like I can’t go on. I can’t do this anymore. I can’t wake up every morning, trying to erase the dreams from my head that brought me memories I want to forget. I can’t look at my reflection in the mirror again while brushing my teeth, trying to talk myself into pushing through another day. And promising myself that the pain will be over soon. That this day just might be the day when I get over all of it.
But mostly, I can’t stand another night of breaking down and crying my soul out of my eyes when I finally get to my four walls, to my bed. I am so tired of feeling this much. I am so tired of convincing myself that I can do it and then still staying strong for others too.
That’s the problem with being seen that way. They don’t believe anything can bring you down. You don’t need help. You don’t need anyone, because you are self-sufficient and strong. You live on your own, you do everything on your own and still manage to be a support to others. How could a person like that ever be vulnerable? How could a person like that ever show she has weaknesses? No one would believe.
It’s not a shameful thing to need someone in your life. But the thing is, if I said I do, I’d be lying. I have proven myself over and over again that I function on my own. So I don’t need anyone. I do want someone, though.
I remember what it was like having someone by my side. So, I don’t need someone to function. I want someone to love and be loved by. I want to come back to my bed after a day of trying to be strong and have someone wait for me there. Someone who I can snuggle next to, and fall asleep feeling safe and relaxed. Someone who will listen when I tell him how tired I am of losing. How tired I am of holding it all to myself. Someone who will take the weariness away with his arms around me.
I want to be done with pretending. I want to be done with this exhausting strength. I just want someone who will make it easier for me to be… me. Someone who will be okay with my tired, sad, and hurt self who is too self-sufficient for her own good.
You would think a person would be happy for being like that. For being described and perceived like those strong, amazing women. Those heroines from old books who make it work on their own. But for me, it was nothing but a curse. Trying to live up to others’ perception of myself has been the main culprit to the tiredness that has been following me for some time.
After finally seeing the situation for what it is, I think I am done. I have had enough of relying on myself. And I am done being the strong one all of the time. I am done with being a pretender.
Don’t confuse this with weakness, I still know how to be strong, but I don’t want do it on my own anymore. I want someone who will be there when I am tired of being the strong one, like now. Someone who will make me feel it’s okay to take a rest. Someone who is going to be strong for me, for a change. Until I am ready to do it all again.
That’s the place where I am lingering now. A place where I can’t stop craving a person who’s going to take my place when I need it. A person who will be all mine, and I will be his. A person whose arms around me and a soft kiss can make everything else stop being important.
But that person is still far away. And there is no other choice for me, than to keep being the strong one, the enduring one. Even if I feel I have none of it left in me anymore.