I was supposed to go out with my friends, but I just couldn’t get out of bed. I just couldn’t face the world out there. And it wasn’t because I didn’t want to or because I was nervous. I just couldn’t do it.
I was supposed to go to class this morning. And I dressed up, ate breakfast, packed all the stuff I need. Then I went out, and just turned around and went back home. And how can I justify myself to my teacher? What am I supposed to say? “Hey, excuse me, sir, I didn’t attend your class yesterday because I just could handle my anxiety, I wasn’t able to sit there and… I just couldn’t.”I have anxiety and it is no excuse. Anxiety cannot be an excuse.
I should be able to talk about my condition, I’m not supposed to hide the fact that I am on medication. The minute I tell someone that I have to take a pill just to go through the day, I see the judgemental look on their faces, I can almost hear what they are thinking. They give you the look that means, “Oh, poor mentally unstable girl… if she uses that, she probably uses something stronger.” But my anxiety is not going to take control of my life.
Stressing myself out all the time is not something I force myself to just to be “cool.” Why in hell would I lie about being mentally not quite stable? It takes a lot of courage to tell people about my condition, and when I do, the last I expect is someone calling me a liar. This is not fun to me, this sucks. But anxiety will not be my excuse.
When everybody thinks you’re a liar, you just begin to believe it yourself. Every time I started to have a panic attack, I thought I was imagining it. It’s all in my head, and maybe it is, but how am I supposed to overcome this? How can I stand up when all I can do is to lie down, or even breathe when my chest gets heavy? How can I handle this when I’ve forgotten how to even exist? But anxiety is not going to stop me.
They say it has been proven, it really does exist. It’s a disease as real as any other. How can I beat an illness I don’t even know for sure exists? How can I trust my mind if I know it doesn’t work as it should? Anxiety is not an excuse.
It’s not an excuse, because when I go to my family doctor I can’t really show him some symptoms, it’s not like I have a fever or can’t stop coughing. So I go to the psychiatrist, and for the first time someone believes me truly. She diagnosed me; she put a name on my condition. But I still ask myself the same questions. What the hell is wrong with me? I have no reason to be like this, I have no family issues, I am not being bullied, I am physically healthy and I have a roof over my head and food on my table. I feel so selfish and miserable feeling disabled when nothing is apparently wrong in my life. But my fears are still here, they’re not going anywhere.
My hands are still shaking, my chest still feels so heavy and I am suffocating while nobody is trying to understand. I didn’t ask for any of that just like I don’t want any of it. I just want to get better. Also, I want to live my life to the fullest. I won’t let anxiety take control of my life.
I don’t want to think I’m insane anymore, and I don’t want to be afraid anymore. Truly, I don’t even know what scares me that much, what freezes me, what makes my brain collapse. So no, I won’t take anxiety as an excuse.
I am going to fight fiercely; I won’t let my condition define me. There is me who needs to face my biggest fears and look them right in the eyes and say “FUCK YOU.” I am going to live, whether you like it or not. I am going to enjoy this precious gift and I won’t let you ruin it. You may have a lot of influence on me but I won’t let you get control.
‘Cause me, and only me, is in charge of the situation.