I have promised myself I would never write to you or about you again, but I wouldn’t be me if I kept my word when it comes to you, would I? So, I am sending this letter to a cyberspace, similar to a message in a bottle in cheesy romantic comedies, hoping that it will somehow find its way towards you.
You may wonder why I remembered you after all these years. But, I didn’t. In order to remember someone, you first need to forget about them. And no matter how much I try, I never succeeded in forgetting you.
They say you don’t know what true love is when you are 19. But I know ours was special. They also say you don’t know what real pain is when you are a few years older. But I know mine was special.
It’s been years since you have been gone and I still consider your departure the deepest emotional pain I have ever experienced. Nobody before or after you has ever hurt me the way you did back then. At the same time, nobody has ever managed to amaze me the way you did. You brought fireworks in my life when I needed them the most. You brought fun and excitement, and most importantly, you brought love. The years we spent together were like a crazy rollercoaster of ups and downs, laughing and crying, violent fights and mind blowing sex. You were like a drug to me. It is still beyond my understanding, but it was like you hypnotized me. My body and mind were drawn to you in an unexplainable way.
You raised me higher than anyone else, but you also left me broken. And I still can’t blame you. I knew how it was going to end the moment I saw you. I simply knew you were trouble. You were too wild to settle down with anyone, especially with someone like me. That is what hurts me the most—the fact that we were always too different and never meant to be. But, I still couldn’t resist you. Or maybe I didn’t want to. All I know is I would do it all again, no matter the pain and the devastation you left behind. Because it was worth it. You were worth it. You still are.
You have taught me what love is and you have shown me what it feels to be alive. I loved you more than I could ever imagine loving anyone. I know that sounds like an empty phrase, but it was really like that. And, when you left, I missed you more than anything—I just couldn’t get used to idea that you are not around. But what I still miss the most is myself when I was with you. You were someone incapable of loving, incapable of giving yourself to someone else. And yet, it is ironic that somehow nobody except you managed to make me feel more loved and special.
I tried to be with other guys after you. For years, I searched for someone who can make me feel the way you did, even for a second. There were some incredible and some less incredible men in my life. But, after a while, I accepted the fact that you left emptiness inside me and that I will never feel as alive as I felt with you.
I don’t miss you in a typical way—I don’t cry for you, I get attracted to other guys and everybody who knows me would guarantee I don’t ever think of you. I have just accepted this pain you left behind as a part of who I am now, and to be honest, I doubt if I would be able to function without it. There is a part of me that doesn’t live in reality. Whatever I do, fragments of you exist in the back of my mind. All of this years, you are present inside of me. Despite the fact that you are not physically here, I always feel your presence. I still dream about you almost every night. And I spend my mornings trying to decode those dreams. I wonder if you are forgetting me as much as you try, and sometimes I could swear you miss me too. It’s like I feel you are also scared that our lives will fly in front of our eyes and we won’t be able to find each other. They lie when they see that time heals everything. It doesn’t, you just need to bury some things deep inside of you and you learn to live with the pain.
Despite everything, I still live in a belief that you did love me in the best way you were capable of, but that you just didn’t know how to express it in a right way. I am really trying my best to forget you, but it seems impossible to go past the person who made you feel more alive than ever, the only man who made me forget my principles and who managed to change the essence of my personality. I know I need to try and find a way to survive you and I know I have to let you go, but what I don’t know is how.