Since the teenage years, I’ve struggled with anxiety. It made my life so much harder than it has to be. I’m constantly worrying, overthinking, and making my life harder. Sometimes I feel like I don’t even belong to this world. Anxiety makes me feel like I’m fucked up.
I have so much trouble when I’m talking to people. I feel so uncomfortable in any social situation. And I can’t normally talk to people without getting my face red, without stressing on what to say or ask next. I think how each word I spoke, someone is laughing deep inside and I’m making just a jerk of myself. But the best part is when I want to impress someone, and like from the sky I start to stutter. My anxiety makes me feel like I’m fucked up, truly.
I’m constantly focusing on my mistakes, no matter how minor they are. My mistakes follow me, and all I can think about is how stupid I was, how I made a huge mistake, and how there’s no forgiveness for me.
I’m thinking about jokes I told and no one laughed at. Just think of my face when I’m trying to say something funny and I didn’t make it. I just stand there and everyone is staring at me and probably thinking, “What the fuck did she want to say?”
I’m thinking about that message I sent that wasn’t interesting enough to earn a response. I spent the whole night blaming myself for sending that message. That night I couldn’t even sleep.
I often cancel plans because I’m always on the sidelines while everyone else is out having fun. Sometimes, I’m even afraid to ask people for their phone number. Or if they are free to hang out.
I get jealous of other people because they can strike up conversations. Because they know how to hang out. Because they know how to talk on the phone or chat with a cashier. Can you even believe that? I have a problem chatting with a cashier. I can’t say a word. Often, I just act like I’m in hurry, so I don’t have to talk with anyone.
I get pissed at people for not understanding my anxiety. At people who ask me why I’m so quiet. At people who can see how hard it is for me to speak and even try to hold a conversation but then look disappointed when I give them a smile and nod.
I’m thinking how dumb or how rude I look when someone tried to talk to talk to me and I can’t figure out what to say. It’s really hard for me to talk back.
I’m worrying about upcoming events because it makes me physically ill to think about a trip or a party that is coming. Someone else would be excited, but I’m terrified. Anxiety makes me feel like I’m fucked up.
I’m always waiting for someone to make the first move, I’m waiting for someone to text me first. It’s all because I’m waiting for proof that someone cares. I can’t do something first, I can’t ask someone out because I can’t face rejection. I’m waiting for my anxiety to shrink, so I can actually leave the house.
Almost every concert I want to see I’m not going to because I’m too scared to go alone. I’m missing a party because I’m scared I’ll make a fool of myself. Since my teenage years, I’m missing so many things.
I’m making excuses to cover up my anxiety. I just want to stop being asked why I’m so antisocial and stop telling people I’m not feeling well or I didn’t get enough sleep. I’m living a lie. Because of anxiety.
My hands often shake, I have strong stomach aches, and strong headaches because of my anxiety. I don’t control my life, anxiety has a control over me.
I need to remind myself that I don’t hate myself but anxiety. Anxiety makes a fool of me. It controls my life. It controls my mind and body. Anxiety makes me feel like I’m fucked up.