For a long period of time, you were the most important person in my life. You were even more important to me than myself. All of my emotions and my moods depended exclusively on the state you are in. If you were happy and if everything was alright between the two of us, I was satisfied. Actually, I was thrilled. On the other hand, if I saw just a glance of sadness or dissatisfaction in your eyes, I couldn’t be okay, even if everything else in my life was great. I was feeling down immediately and my entire day was ruined. And I did everything only to see you smile, because I could not imagine me being happy while you are not. I thought that is exactly what a healthy relationship should look like. My entire world revolved around you. You were literally the center of my universe, you were the sun and I was just one of the planets that turn around you. It took me more than it should to realize things were not supposed to be like that.
It took me a while to see that I literally didn’t exist while I was with you. I have disregarded my wishes, ambitions, desires and needs to fulfill yours. In this process, I completely ceased to exist. And when you left, I didn’t know who I was anymore. I forgot what it is that I like to do, what movies I like to watch, what music I like to listen to, what kind of clothes I like to wear… It appeared that my life didn’t have a purpose without you.
I thought you were my only purpose and my reason to live and exist on this planet. I thought you were the only one who could give meaning to everything in my life and the only one who could complete me. I kept telling myself that what I was feeling was completely normal, after all, you were a person I shared my life with and it is perfectly reasonable to be in pain after you left. But what was not normal is the fact that I didn’t know how to live my life without you. I felt that a part of my body was missing and I just didn’t know how to function when you were not around. I caught myself not being able to make an adult decision without you because whenever I tried to, I thought what you would want me to do.
Then, after I was past the mourning phase, I realized I am a complete person without you and without anyone. I am an individual and a fully functioning human being who existed and functioned before you came along and will continue to do so after you left. I am an amazing person with or without you and I should never forget that. It took me a while, but I learned there is no need to sacrifice myself for anyone. You helped me see how strong and independent I can be. You leaving me helped me realize I don’t need a guy in my life to define me as a person.
Actually, I don’t need anyone to do that. That doesn’t mean I have become self-centered nor selfish, I have just grown to respect and appreciate myself more. Finally, I have started putting myself first and made myself a priority and everyone else came second. And most importantly, I have learned to love myself, because I have realized I don’t need anyone else’s love to feel good about myself. Loving myself has become enough. When you left, I felt this incredible void and emptiness and I was afraid that no other guy could ever fill your shoes. But then I realized that no man should. I am strong enough to fill it myself.
So, thank you. Yes, you have hurt me in ways you could never imagine. And yes, I still miss you sometimes. But, at the same time, you gave me this incredible strength. I can finally say that I am the person I always wanted to be. I am a strong, independent woman and I could never be that if you stayed with me. I thought I could never say this, but thank you for leaving, because when you left, I did lose you, but in the same time, I found myself.