I am a sensitive person. It took me a while to understand the meaning of that word and to accept it as a part of my personality. I am also aware that it would be much easier for me if I were different, but I am not. This is who I am and I am slowly learning to accept this as the part of who I am and to be proud of it. Whatever I do, I do it with my entire being and with my entire heart and soul. I am like that when it comes to every relationship in my life—especially with romantic ones. Simply, as long as I can remember, I am the one who loves more, the one who cares more, and the one who tries more.
I am the one who will always have your back and who will always find a strength in her heart to forgive you, no matter how much you hurt me. I am the one who will always look for good in people and try to justify them, despite their behavior towards me. This is especially true when it comes to you. You maybe don’t see it, but I am the one who always initiates dates, who tries to surprise you and make you happy. Actually, your happiness will be more important to me than my own. When I see you are feeling down and that there is something bothering you, I will turn the world upside down just to see you smile again. I am the one who always stayed by your side through good and bad days. I believe in you, even if you stop believing in yourself, and I am always pushing you forward. No matter what you do, I will have your back. And you know it. And you use it.
Don’t get me wrong, I am not asking for anything in return. But you should at least show the slightest interest in a person you are with. Otherwise, why are you even with me, what is the point?
It took me a while, but after some time, I painfully grew to realize that this relationship is only one-sided and that I am the only one trying. Love is not a competition and I am not asking you to return emotional favors to me, but you simply never try. I am the one who sends the most text messages, the one who constantly calls you, and the one who puts in the effort to see you. I feel weeks could go by before you remembered I existed and before you felt the desire to spend time with me. I am the one who always sacrifices her time and energy to be with you. And you? You are always busy and everything seems to be more important than me. You always choose everyone over me. When some of your friends call you, you will always run to them, but when I call you because I need you, you act like I can wait. But when you are in trouble, you expect me to be there for you. You do this because you know I will never leave your side. And because you simply don’t care enough.
You say you love me, but where is that love? You certainly don’t act like you care about me and my emotions. I don’t see it and I don’t feel it. A caring boyfriend behaves differently. You don’t care how my day has been, and it’s like you never have the desire to see me. You don’t care for my emotions and my problems never affect you. You never try to make me happy. And, most importantly, you don’t put the slightest effort to make this relationship work.
I keep making excuses for your behavior and keep hoping that you will change. It was hard for me to accept it, but you don’t love me the way I love you and you never will. It hurts like hell to say it out loud, but it wouldn’t affect you much if I left and you certainly wouldn’t chase me.
I try so hard not to blame you for this, because I am the one who allowed it and because you never specifically asked me to be like this. You say you love me and maybe you do, in your own way. But that simply is not enough for me. I feel miserable and like I am forcing you to be with me. And I know I deserve more.