Heartbreak Love

A Letter To My First Love

Written by Deborah Carbone

I will never talk to him in person again, so I wanted to write this letter to my first love so I could tell him how much it hurts that he will not be my last. He was the first one that made me feel this way. So, I want to make it known how much he meant to me, at least this way.

I know I will never see you again. And I know there is not too much that I can find out about you, because I do not want the word of me asking about you to come to your attention. But from what I can dig out about you from your accounts, at least you are okay.

I still do that sometimes, just to see if you are happy. I also know you will never read this, but I feel the need to say it for everyone to see. You were the first one to show me a different perspective on life. You filled it with so many new emotions that I didn’t even know are possible.

I am writing this letter to my first love, to let you know that whatever you wanted to show me, teach me, and give me, I was ready to take. I am writing it to telI you that you were so good to me, too good, that I am afraid I might stay on my own after you. Because you have made my standards too high.

Not because you were the most perfect of them all, even though you were close enough in my eyes. It is because you knew none of us are perfect and you were not afraid to admit it. You were the first to really face your mistakes and work on fixing them and becoming the best person you can be.

I am writing this letter to my first love to let it be known how committed we were to each other and to the relationship we built. You were always so persistent in showing and telling me how much you loved me.

That is why it is funny to remember all those times when I felt the stings of jealousy. All those times when my insecurities told me I might lose you. Especially when I know you felt that way too, sometimes. Even though I gave my best to show you I loved you back with same force.

But still, you never tried to take away my dreams and desires. Instead, you were always by my side, encouraging me and being my support through everything. You made me feel like I could do anything, you made me feel invincible.

That is why I write this letter to my first love. Because I cannot stop looking back on what we had. I cannot stop remembering what it felt like to have your lips on mine. What it felt like to just see your face. Our relationship was something inexplicable, something so strong. And then it dissipated, equally inexplicably.

It was so abrupt and now it seems so distant in my memories, that I started to wonder, was it just something I conjured up in my head? Were you and our relationship just a consequence of a very vivid imagination? You gave me no ending, and here I am, still hung up on loving you, because in my heart, it is still not over.

Even though I can’t stop feeling pain over knowing we didn’t get the life I dreamt for us, and we never will, I still stand by what I said. I really do want you to be immensely happy, even if it is not by my side.

I am writing this letter to my first love to let you know how grateful I am that you didn’t wreck me and make me unable to love, even though you broke my heart by leaving. And I want to let you know that, thanks to you, I know how to love with all of my heart. I know how to fight for anything I might desire and to never give up.

But one other thing I also learned is that you can still hurt a person, even if it was not your intention. Even if you loved them more than anything. I learned that, when you love someone, that is when it’s the easiest to hurt them. And most painful.

In the end I wanted to tell you, my first love, that out of all the things that hurt me when we ended, knowing that you will not be the last one I will ever love, hurts the most. But thank you for showing me what kind of love I should strive for, and thank you for choosing me as your first love.

A Letter To My First Love