You never loved me, and I figured it out too late.
Every day I spent with you was full of pain and hurt, and I was forced to bear it on a daily basis. You made me believe that I am not enough, and I had a feeling like I could do better with someone else. You only gave me occasional glimpses of joy and fulfillment. With you I never had the kind of consistency and stability, and I really needed it. You never gave your best and I was giving my everything.
Our relationship and you were the reasons for my many sleepless nights, you were the reason for my tears and my sadness. You were the source of all my emotional bruises and aches. Relationships are not easy, but ours was like a living hell. Everything was so difficult and complicated. You were killing me emotionally and mentally, you drained all my emotional strength.
You never gave your best and I was giving my everything.
Because of you I hated myself, because of you I questioned my self-worth. Damn, you never loved me, you never had any real emotional bond for me, and you were my whole world. I was living in darkness, you didn’t give me freedom and space to let my own light shine. You were everything and I was nothing, I was worth less than you. I was never good enough, and you made me believe that. And I was walking on eggshells, I was living, but I was dead inside.
I lost myself, I didn’t know who I was while I was with you. And it took me years to find myself again.
You wanted me to be someone else, you forced me to be someone who fit you better. Through our relationship I was blaming myself for everything, but you were guilty. Everything was your fault. You never gave your best. And you were a coward, you could tell me that you didn’t love me the way I loved you. It would be much easier than living in hell everyday. It would be. But you wanted me to feel that way. You wanted me to feel miserable, you wanted to manipulate me, to abuse me. Because that is who you were, but I figured it out too late.
One day I will stop blaming myself for everything that happened to me, and I will be happy again, I promise.
You left me with cracks around my heart, and you never felt sorry for breaking it. There were too many nights when I drowned my pillow with tears because of you. I was trying to figure out what I did wrong, what could I have done better to make you happy. And I wasn’t thinking about my happiness, I was thinking just about yours, because you were my everything.
For a long time I believed that I would never get another chance to love and to be loved. But I am sure that I am going to find love again. I loved you, but you were not the right one, you never loved me the way I loved you. And now I understand that is okay. I was in pain for too long, but I am going to start my life again. The life I had with you is completely over, because I let it go. I let you go, I moved on. The best days of my life are coming, the worst are over. That chapter is closed, I am done with you.
Now I know that I am not the first one who went through this kind of relationship. I am not the only one who was feeling this way.
And I am certainly not the last person who was feeling completely hopeless. Nothing is permanent. The pain will pass, everything will pass. I loved you so deeply, but I am going to love again. Someone is waiting for me, someone will love me just the way I am, and I will be enough.
You made me believe that I wasn’t worth of your love. And you screwed me, you killed me. I was in a dark place because of you. But no matter what you did to me, now I know that I am never going to allow myself to think that I don’t deserve love. Actually, I am going to find love again, love is going to come.