I was thinking of you a lot. About your smile, your laughter, and that look in your eyes. I was thinking of the warmth I used to feel when you held your arms around me. No matter where I went or what I did, you were this noise in the back of my mind. I used to miss you so much.
I know you thought you had the right to leave. I don’t know who could figure out why you thought that way. You were always the one causing the hurt around you. I was always the one hurting. But the point is, you were gone because you wanted it.
Despite knowing that, I used to miss you all the time. It made no sense to be only plagued by the good things I remembered of you, when bad things were bigger in numbers. Bigger in severity. Even after being aware that all you wanted was for me to stop feeling anything for you, all I wanted was to let you know how much I missed you. I knew what you would say, I heard you say it before. ”You need to get over me. What we had isn’t the center of the universe.” Not of yours, it wasn’t. You made that clear.
Still, something pushed me to scream it at the top of my lungs. Maybe because I was thinking of you every day at work. It was never intentional. I spent ten years of my life loving you. I knew you too well, and I had way too many memories with you in them not to see you everywhere I look.
Desperation would come over me like a mist because of it. Because I knew while I couldn’t make you leave my mind, you never even remembered me for a second. While I stared at the ceiling every night wishing your face would stop invading my dreams, you were busy dreaming of hers. While I still had so much to tell you, you already said everything you wanted. And I hated you for that.
Still, I was thinking of you when I would try to pick a movie to watch, because I started watching them with you. I never bothered before. And watching anything with you was always an adventure. Also, I was thinking of you when I would watch television shows you got me hooked on. The ones I could not stop watching because I was too invested in them. The ones that kept making me sad because I knew you were watching them too, with someone else.
I was thinking of you when I would go grocery shopping. With you, it was always bickering about what we really needed. With you, it was always laughter and smiles, even if we did something as common as buying food. Without you, it was unusual for it to be so simple. It was unusual to feel lonely while grocery shopping.
I was thinking of you when going to the gym. You pulled me in that world and I did not want to leave it anymore. But every time I was there, I could feel you once again scratching at the back of my mind. Who would have thought even gym equipment could make you sad?
I was thinking of you every time I cooked because you used to steal food while I wasn’t watching. Every time I took a shower because you used to jump in the moment you realized where I was. Every time I vacuumed because you used to fall asleep when I turned the vacuum cleaner on. You used to be ingrained in every little thing I did. Until you weren’t.
I finally woke up one morning and realized the noise went silent. God knows how much effort I invested into trying to take back my life. How much effort it took me to stop connecting my existence with yours. My salvation proved to be only time and finally, you were silent. I took back my movies and television shows. I took back grocery shopping and the gym. I took back my thoughts, and after so long, it felt good to be in my head. It felt good having a clear mind and to see you through my own eyes, instead of through those memories of you I kept.
I was thinking of you for the longest time, and I just want to thank you for leaving it the way you did. If you didn’t, I could never stop.