Lying didn’t really feel hard, to tell the truth. Not that it will make it right, but I don’t want to lie anymore. So I’m aiming for the truth. The truth I should have told after the first time I made a mistake. No, not a mistake. I knew what I was doing. I lied because that was easier for me. It was easier than ruining my relationship. It was easier than breaking her trust after months of lying. I’m writing this down because I want to give advice and help to all those people out there who have lied. This is the honest fact – it’s time you feel some pain. It’s time you told the truth, instead of trying to help yourself. It’s simple, really. It’s much less complicated than a lie. But if you don’t really trust me, maybe I’m just going to have to tell you my tale.
I went out one night with the boys. I had a lot to drink and I partied all night. There was a girl there. My girl was at home. I kissed the wrong one. While my girlfriend waited up for me at home, I stayed in that club and made out with someone who didn’t know my name. Months of love wasted on trying to make some girl I don’t know feel good. Then, when I got home that night, my girlfriend asked me how it was. She was bleary-eyed. It was 3am. I told her it was a great night. I lied to my girlfriend, and she deserves better.
I met her at college, and she was the most beautiful creature I’d ever met. She was cheeky and funny and sweet, and I thought I was the luckiest man alive to be able to hold her in my arms. It was my first real relationship, and I put time and trust into her. Everything was good back then. And then I did something stupid.
When I went to university, something inside of me shifted. I started to think I was better than I was, worth more than I am. I thought I was cool and sexy and desirable because I went to clubs and drank too many shots and got called a legend for doing so. I thought that being part of a new group had elevated my status. I thought my girlfriend was a part of a past life, something I didn’t need anymore. I was so, so wrong. I began to tell a lie that became so wrapped up in me, that I began to live it for months and months.
I started to do things that I knew I shouldn’t. I kissed girls just to show that I could. I did it because I’d never had that kind of attention before, except from my girl. I’d always felt like an outsider, like I didn’t matter to many people. I’m not sure why I thought I mattered to those girls in clubs, who kissed me hard and didn’t even ask me about me. My girlfriend knows everything about me. But I lied to my girlfriend. Now I can’t even look at her without knowing how much better she deserves than me. I feel like I tell a lie every time I look at her. I’m lying with my eyes, lying with my smile, lying in the one relationship that matters to me. I can’t even trust myself to do the right thing, and I feel sometimes like it’s going to keep going until I explode.
We all make mistakes, but I repeated mine. Over and over like a stuck record. At the time, I don’t think I knew how much I was hurting myself, or my relationship, or my friends. There came a point where I didn’t seem so cool anymore. My friends looked at me with turned up noses. I didn’t take their advice and stop, or tell the truth, like they told me to. They told me my girlfriend deserved better. And she did. She does. Which is why I can’t be with her anymore, no matter how much I care about her. I’m going to feel like the world is ending, but I need help, and she can’t be the one to give it to me. I don’t think I could ever make it right between us now. Not really. I’d always remember the trust I broke, the lie I told, the heart I broke. I have to end it before I damage anything or anyone else. That’s the only way this can play out now that I’m in so deep.
She’ll be heartbroken. She’ll want to know why I plan to end it, and I’ll have to tell her exactly what I did wrong. I don’t know if she will try to stay with me. I doubt it. But either way, I can’t allow her to be with me anymore. She deserves so much better, and even though it’ll hurt me, I want to see her move on and find someone who will treat her right. She will be so hurt by it all. I will too. I’ll know that I still love her, and always will. But the pain will be good. It’ll remind me of what I did, and punish me. I lied to my girlfriend, and I don’t deserve to get away with it anymore.
Maybe after she’s gone, I’ll grow up a little. Maybe I’ll spend endless nights in those stupid clubs, kissing girls again. Maybe when she’s gone, I’ll take them home with me. And then maybe it’ll sink in how much I’m missing by messing around. I don’t want to be that man anymore. I want to grow to be someone that is capable of pure love. I want to be someone loveable. I want to look back one day and know that the man I’ve become is the man I should’ve been for her. At least I know she’ll be better off without me.