We have been together for so long. It feels like a lifetime since the first time I saw you and thought to myself, ”I wish you were mine.” Not even in my wildest dreams would I think you really would be. I also would have never thought that I would be saying things to you that I am about to say. That I have to say goodbye.
You made me feel like I can be myself with you. We were so good together. We had the kind of connection that happens to you only once. I know ours was the right one, and I know I will never have it with anyone again, not like that. And God, I loved you. But I am starting to think that even if I was able to muster more love to give you, it would not have been enough.
I have seen lesser relationships work no matter what. It is hard for me to understand why ours couldn’t. I loved you with such persistence. But suddenly, it started to seem like you were throwing things my way just to challenge me. It felt like you were testing me. Giving me hard time, like you were trying to say, ”Let us see how you like me now.” And I passed every time. I passed because I believed there is something in you no one sees, not even you. Because I was so sure that it is supposed to be that hard, that it is supposed to be all about fighting for each other every day. Because I wanted to show you that your scars wouldn’t make me run. And because no matter how bad it got, that string between our hearts was holding on. So I stayed.
I wanted to believe that the fearless love I had for you would be your salvation. That my stubborn determination would open your eyes and you would see what I saw in you. That it would make you realize that I truly believed you deserve to be loved. At least that is what I was trying to prove to you by staying through every storm. But you refused. Now I have to say goodbye even if I don’t want to.
You decided you would prove me otherwise. You chose to give yourself in someone else’s hands, but did not have it in you to admit it. And you let me keep loving you with the same persistence like always. Until you became tired of your own lies and you slipped. I remember the day. All of your sins spilled out of you over our living room floor, like a flood. The soft light and warmth that was a constant in our little apartment suddenly vanished. Those walls never looked colder. My heart never felt colder.
When rage bursted out of me, you had the nerve to be offended. You were gone the same day. You said you chose her and she had you now, but for some weird reason, you kept coming back. And you told me you couldn’t be with me because you didn’t deserve me. That my heart was too kind and too pure to belong to someone like you, but you can’t imagine your life without me in it. I still loved you, so I kept letting you come back. I kept trying to be your friend.
I still believe you were my soulmate. You were my perfect connection. And we could have worked if you weren’t so resolved on pushing me away. You kept telling me that it was better for me that way. That you weren’t good for me. But it wasn’t your choice to make. I knew what kind of demon hid inside of you and I accepted it.
I was ready to help you fight it. Your only task was to be loyal. But you told me that looking at my face every morning and every night, seeing me holding so tight, only reminded you of your mistakes that were hurting us.
I still can’t find the meaning in all of this. But I know one thing, you will always be more than a friend to me. Every time my bell rings, every time you appear at my door, I hope that you came for me. And I can’t live like that anymore. I can’t watch you, the man I loved so much, leave to be with someone else. So you have to know that I can’t be your friend, not now and not ever. I have to say goodbye because I don’t want to hope anymore.
I have to say goodbye because it is time for me to heal. Letting go of you hurts so much. But having you so close, always reminding me of what we were and how you ended it, that hurts even more. So I hope you will understand when I tell you I have to say goodbye to you.