I have had my fair share of failed relationships and severed ties. Always being left behind because there is always someone better than I am, even when they are the best for me. When you live to feel your heart trampled by a heartbreak, all you are left with afterwards are self-doubt and questions. Since most of us rarely see ourselves for who we are and the true amount of our worth, we will blame ourselves. I know I did. Even when I was painfully aware that nothing I could have changed would stop what was done to me, and nothing I have done (or did not do, for that matter) deserved that kind of betrayal.
The self-doubt still overshadowed the reason. There I was, head spinning with questions and ”what ifs.” Couldn’t have I been better, prettier, smarter, and more skilled? What if I did and said things differently? What if I contained myself, instead of speaking up? And what if I gave more?
It took me awhile to get to this realization, but NO to all of those. Especially to giving more, because how can you give more when you already gave it all and got nothing back? Why try to be better when the best you can is not enough for them? Why try at all when all the effort already being invested is not appreciated one bit?
When that realization strikes, that no matter what you give, how much you try, it will not be enough, people become willing to settle. They settle for average if it means it will not hurt or it will hurt less if it ever falls apart. They settle for stale romance and little to no passion, because that one time they allowed themselves to feel that grand romance and act on it, they ended up crushed. But that is a sad way to live, a sad way to love, and I would rather stay alone instead. So should each and every one of you who might be close to settling for anything less than grand, because we deserve more. I deserve more.
When you are a person that always thinks less of yourself, that will go all out when it comes to your loved ones, but never feels deserving of the same treatment, it is hard to think, let alone say those words. But I make myself say them anyway. I deserve more. I deserve being missed the second I leave the room. And I deserve to be reminded always how much I matter, to be loved for the person that I already am, to be able to feel good enough even with my imperfections. I deserve to have someone completely crazy about me, who will say it often and mean it. I deserve security, support, and appreciation.
And I deserve more smiles, happiness, and hugs. More kisses for good morning and good night, more kept promises, more reasons to trust. I deserve to be able to wake up in the morning and, for once in my life, be certain that I put my world in a trustworthy person’s hands. I deserve to fall asleep every night knowing that tomorrow that person will still be holding it and guarding it. All the things I have done and felt once for others, I deserve them. I deserve more love, all the love, from the person to whom I’m giving all of mine.
Now, knowing you could get all of those things I just listed, knowing they can be given to you because you have given them before, why would you settle for anything less than that? Be willing to demand what you want and walk away when what you are worthy of is not given to you. When your expectations are reasonable, you have every right to want every single one of them to be fulfilled. Keep in mind, you should never blame it on yourself for not being good enough, pretty enough, and whatnot. They are the ones whose dishonesty allowed them to say things they didn’t mean and give promises they did not plan to keep. Just know, if you were treating them right and doing the best you could, you deserved to be given the same treatment. You deserved more.