All of us want someone who is always going to be by our side, because love is something amazing. But on the other side, love can be so tough. Few years ago, I had a man who was my everything. Things got complicated, and everything we had was destroyed. Now, there is no day that he doesn’t cross my mind. In that moment, my soul feels alive. But there is no other chance for us. We can’t be together, I can’t take him back.
I forgive him everything, I do really. But I didn’t forget, and I think I never will. Things between us got too toxic, too complicated, and too difficult. I can’t blame him for everything, I made many mistakes, but I never left him alone. I was there in good and in bad. But he chose to leave me when things were complicated. One part of me understands that, but another one never will. I will never understand why he destroyed me, why he chose to destroy me. Everything between us happened all at once. Our start, but also our end, and I didn’t even know what was happening.
When he left, I was so angry, and I hated him because of everything. I hated him for what he did to us, what he did to me. He chose to destroy everything what we were building and what we could have built. But most of all, I hated him for breaking my heart. I hated him, because he destroyed me.
There are no words that could describe my pain.
The pain I felt because he was not there cannot be described. Maybe life had other plans for me, and for us, but I was so angry that life took him away from me. He wasn’t there when I needed him, he wasn’t there to hold me, to wipe my tears away. He wasn’t there to tell me that we are going to survive this. Actually, he wasn’t there because he chose to leave me.
Maybe he will never understand that when he left, I didn’t lose just him, just us. I lost myself, I didn’t know who I was, who I am, or who I am going to be.
Now I am scared of love. Whenever I start to feel safe with someone, I remember him, and all the things he did to me. Love broke me into a million pieces, he broke me into a million pieces. Because of darkness, I put up a shield, a really, really strong shield. So, no one can ever come to my heart. One man had my heart in his hands, and he decided to shatter it. So, I promised myself that no one will ever come close to me, I can’t let myself experience again what I experienced with him.
He hurt me badly, he shattered my soul, my trust. We have not been together for a while, but I can still feel pain in my chest, in my stomach. The pain that is spreading all over my body. Maybe I already met someone who would truly love me, someone who would never hurt me, but I refused him. Because of the man who broke my heart, because of the things he did to me.
There are days that I am so close to move on, to forget my pain, to forget all the things that he did to me. But for some reason, I never make it.
He captured my heart so I can’t let him go.
I’m giving my best to leave him in the past, but I just can’t. And I don’t understand how someone who is so imperfect, someone with so many flaws and demons, made me feel like no one else made me feel before.
Everything happens for a reason. I know it. My heart was broken for a reason, I get it. But why I am still thinking of him, why he is still on my mind? Why I can’t let him go?
He destroyed me, he killed me, he took life out of me. But why he is still the only person who could make me happy?