My sin is that I loved you too much. You put me through hell and back, and I always blamed you. You were guilty of everything. But this time actually I am going to put some blame on me. After all that happened to us, now I see that it wasn’t all your fault. I let you broke me.
You were complicated, and you were shitty. Maybe you loved me or maybe not. But that is not a point. You destroyed me because I always have been there for you. I couldn’t leave you, so I stayed there and let you shatter my soul.
Whenever you left me, I was there for you. I was waiting. Every time I let you re-enter my life. And every time I was making excuses for you. All that shit was tough. But ending, for me, was one of the hardest things I have ever done. Because I thought I would grow old with you. So cutting you out of my life, cutting out the person who I loved the most in this world was so hard and painful.
Every time when I stay, every time when I took you back, ended up the same way. I was killing myself in that toxic cycle, but I couldn’t leave you. Because I didn’t know how to deal with the world alone.
You were breaking my heart, actually, you were taking a piece of my heart every time when you left me. And in that moment, I hated you, but also I hated myself. I missed my life because I stayed with you for so long. Everyone was having fun, and they were going out, but I stayed at home fighting with you over some dumb shit. Now I regret. I regret for all that time when I stayed with you, or talking on the phone with you. Because I could be happy somewhere else, with my friends and family, but I stayed with you, feeling frustrated, sad and miserable.
Even then I had a feeling that I will regret. And I was right. But my only sin was fear of letting you go. I was afraid to lose you so I hold on tighter. Now I see how I was stupid and naive. Because we can’t lose a real love, a real connection. We can’t lose the one. You should have been afraid of losing me. Because you will never find someone who will love you like I loved you. Never.
Sometimes I wish you were different. But you were a jerk all that time while we were together. You were selfish, you were doing things that will hurt me, and you knew that they will hurt me, but anyway you were doing them.
But now I know how right guy looks like. And he is definitely not like you at all. The right guy will never do the thing that he knows that will hurt me. He is going to make me happy, not sad and miserable.
I stayed in a cycle of your abusing for too long, and I missed out so much. because I was afraid to let go, so I pulled you back, every time. Now I feel sorry for myself because I figured all this too late.
Our relationship, actually our toxic cycle was killing me slowly. Because I allowed your shitty behavior to control my mind, and actually I allowed you to control my life. I wasn’t happy because I constantly was making excuses for your shit behavior. But now I can reach happiness because you are not in my life anymore. There is no person who was making my life miserable.
All my energy I spent on you, so I neglected myself, my passion, my dreams, and everything else. My happiness was dependent on you. When I was with you I lost myself, I didn’t know that I deserve better. I fell out of love with myself.
Now I know that I never, ever have to feel that way again. I’m amazing, I hold the power. In the moment when I realized all this, I left you. I stopped going back to you, I ended up toxic cycle, because I felt that I deserve more, so much more.
So, all blame is not on you. Also, I was the reason I was unhappy, I was the reason I stuck in our relationship. That is all on me because every time I chose to go back to you.
When I realized that I have the power to leave, I chose myself, I chose to believe in myself. So I left.
So, my only sin is that I loved you that much. And that part of the blame goes on me. All other is your sin and your blame.