Love

Thanks to My Anxiety, I Am A Horrible, Horrible Girlfriend

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There is so much I want to do for my partner and so many things I want to be and yet, I am nowhere close to doing or being any of it. I feel as though this constant anxiety sucks all the energy from me.

I feel tired in the beginning of the day itself and hopeless and distraught by evening. I go to bed promising myself that tomorrow will bring some positive change in my personality and wake up feeling exhausted again.

It’s actually awful living like this. My boyfriend means the world to me and yet, I feel like this horrible person who is probably sucking all the happiness and energy from his life too.

Every time he makes an exciting plan like going out with friends or hanging out together and doing something fun, I turn it down by making up some excuse.

I am petrified of having to talk somebody at a party who I hardly know or being judged by his folks when they, say, invite us for dinner.

I am totally opposite of what I wish to be. I want to feel comfortable around his family because they are such sweet people and I have met them so many times now! I want to be this cool friend of his sister’s with whom she can share all her personal thoughts and secrets.

I want to give a confident hug to his mother every time she greets us at the door. And I want to crack funny jokes and make his family laugh at the dinner table. But I am miles and miles away from being that kind of girl.

I feel insecure, vulnerable and scared all the time. And I can see how it is affecting my relationship but I am unable to do anything about it. I become suspicious and doubt him for no reason.

I get cranky for miniscule things like the way he accidentally dropped something on my dress. I start these really stupid fights that last for days. When I finally get around to resolving it with him, there’s something else that has triggered so much uneasiness in me.

I know my anxiety has turned me into this horrible girlfriend who can’t even come to terms with her situation. So many times, he urges me to open up and talking about what is bothering me but I have absolutely no answer – either to him, or to myself. All I keep repeating is “I am fine” and then go on to pretend like I really am.

Sometimes, I wonder what my boyfriend likes about me when I keep adding misery to his life. I am so used to acting as if everything is alright that it’s become an unconscious habit for me.

I have become used to concealing my feelings from him and everyone else. This, in turn, makes me feel more guilty. I know I am not being fair to him. And yet, I have forgotten what being fair to your partner entails.

I overthink, overanalyze and critique even a normal situation. I worry about the past such as things that have gone wrong as well as about the future such as our relationship going downhill in a few months.

This increasing anxiety gets the better of me and results in more fights. I want to be this free person who is fun to be with. I want my boyfriend to enjoy my company without having to ponder over what really happened every time I am in a foul mood.

My constant anxiety has turned me into this awful person who has no idea how to live in the moment, who worries about things that have not happened yet and who finds it difficult to be honest with her own boyfriend, someone she adores so much.

He has been such a strong support system for me and he constantly assures me that he will always be there for me whether or not I am able to get out of this mind-numbing anxiousness. I owe him so much but I don’t know if I can change, how I can change, when I can change and how much I can change.

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