11 Inescapable Sings You’re Destined To Be Forever Alone

Written by Chloe M.

1.Your mom’s love life is thriving more than yours.

Your mum is going out on major dates with loads of nice fellas, and you’re stuck in the house looking after her Shih Tzu for the night. How does that work? Where are your dates? She’s eating her third steak of the week and you’re eating a microwaveable meal for one. Life is just not fair.

2.You’re always put on the “single’s table”

Just because all your meals come from plastic containers that don’t mean you don’t have feelings, right? And not only that, when it comes to family dinners and wedding if you don’t have a date you’re immediately assigned to the kid’s table, destined to spend the rest of eternity eating your minestrone soup with a side of crayons.

3. Your cats are like your children

They all have human names, personalities, and outfits that match their personalities. And, of course, they get pushed around in a pram.

4. You’ll do anything to feel the touch of another person.

You know that when you’re looking at Topman mannequins adoringly, or you start to love getting on a busy train to feel the warmth of another body pressed against yours, you need to get a body on yours on purpose.

5. Your flirting game is all off

You’re either too inconspicuous or horribly offensive. No matter what Fifty Shades of Grey says, trying to use asparagus as an erotic pop in your sexual mind games doesn’t work in real life. But neither does being all off. If someone could tell us the secret to good flirting, please let us know ASAP.

6. You have no need to shave any of your body hair anymore.

Seriously, it’s like it’s the 70’s all over again down there.

7. The last five people you went on dates with are married now.

Yeah, they told you that they weren’t looking for anything serious, they told you that they weren’t “marrying kind”, but now Facebook tells you all of them, ALL OF THEM, are shacked up with a Mrs, and right now they’re honeymooning in Bora Bora with check-ins like this: “Mr. and Mrs. Smith think it’s time for another pina colada! #livingthedream”? Cut me a little slack, Zuckerberg. If need be, I will marry myself.8. You call out

8. You call out to an empty house when you order enough Chinese food for four people

You yell “Dinner’s here!” every time, but the delivery guy knows that your sweats – the ones covered in sweet and sour sauce stains – are on for a reason. You’re ready to get settled into your comfy ass dent on the sofa and cry into a foil container of Szechuan pork. He’s just getting out of there quick so you don’t invite him in again.

9. Nights out always end the same depressing way

You have a great night out with your friends, try to be on your best form comedy-wise, so the hot guy you’re bantering with doesn’t notice your wonky new fringe that you’re really paranoid about. Then you go home alone and sit on the kitchen floor, cutting slices from a 1kg block of cheese and putting them directly into your mouth as you scream/cry/sing along with Adele’s albums sequentially.

10. Valentine’s day is just another day where you have to hide from smug couples

Valentine’s Day is unbelievably crap. Everywhere you look someone is feeding someone else something undeniably delicious in a horrendously intimate fashion, and you feel like a pervert even though you were there first, just trying to enjoy your sandwich on your lunch break. Plus, couples seem to really hate it when you heckle their marriage proposal.

11. Dining alone is your favorite thing

You get to eat all the food you want! Smelly food, messy food, whatever. The world is your delicious, fetid oyster. You can eat a whole basket of garlic bread at a restaurant because you haven’t got to put your mouth on someone else’s mouth later that night. You get to eat spaghetti bolognese every damn night because you don’t have to worry about anyone seeing that spaghetti splashing bolognese sauce all over your face. You simply get a bread roll and mop that sh*t right up. What a time to be alive!

About the author

Chloe M.