All those romantic comedies I watched along with all the idealized images of perfect couples I’ve seen in the media helped shaping my expectations. I had an idea of a perfect relationship in my head and I wasn’t ready for it. So, I opted out and tried all the lightweight versions of relationships. No commitment, no drama- no quality. At the end of the day, I was everything but happy. Then I tried what I thought was an ideal relationship. I felt suffocated. I realized I went for the extremes both times. It was either no communication at all or too much communication. So, the secret is very simple- find your golden mean.
There are so many theories out there that will try to persuade you into pushing for conversations with your partner, even fights. Arguing will benefit you, never shy away from confrontation. I’ve had relationships like that and they drained me. Arguments are okay at times, if you don’t let them take over and become a default way of communicating. I was getting really tired of talking big.
After that, I tried hard to avoid communication as much as possible. The more casual, the better. That ended up being a failure too. There are things you will eventually need to talk about. You two are together in this, so you hold the right to all the explanations, justifications and insights into what keeps them up at night. I learned my lesson the hard way; whenever you try hard to either push for communication or avoid it, your relationship loses its natural flow. Hence, don’t do either.
No relationship is ever ideal. You will inevitably hurt each other and learn from it. There will be many short-term bruises your partner will give you unintentionally, and they will heal with time. Talk about them, yes. But don’t bring them up every time something goes bad. Don’t start a fight just because you think it will help you learn more about your partner. There is no need for that.
In a healthy relationship, you won’t talk about big things every day. You will learn through experiences. It’s okay to talk about your day only and to stay on the surface times. Through your partner’s attitudes on everyday events you learn about their personality. Give it time. Not everyone is ready to talk about themselves a lot. Sure, don’t shy away from confronting them- but don’t go out of your way to spark an argument.
Most importantly, don’t try to fit the frames. Everyone will have their opinions on what’s best for you and listening to every person’s advice won’t help you go anywhere. Sure, listen- but don’t always do as they tell you. Try not to push for either extreme and take it one day at a time. Some of those days will be spent in silence and some will be spent arguing. At the end of the day, you decide what’s too much and what’s too little- so turn inwards and find your golden mean!